Victim, Rescuer, Perpetrator The Good, the Bad & The Ugly

Why is this important in singing?

Because anything that takes over your energy field, cripples it, and blocks it from flowing freely and effortlessly directly impacts your voice. Singing isn’t just about technique—it’s about energy, presence, and freedom. And when deeply ingrained patterns take hold—patterns shaped by life’s experiences, running unchecked for a lifetime—they restrict not just your voice, but your entire being.

This is why stepping back—zooming out—is so powerful. When we’re caught in the middle of our own stories, it’s almost impossible to see them for what they are. But when we gain perspective, even for a moment, we start to recognize the patterns that have been shaping us. And that kind of awareness? It’s enlightening, to say the least.

Really you’ll only do this if you’re in enough pain, or why else would you? Pain and suffering is the motivation in us to find the strength and willingness to zoom out and see the whole picture.

When we do, an inner light begins to reveal bits and pieces of the play we’re trapped in. But we can only digest so much at a time.

A student once said to me, “I just want to see it all now and wake up.” I replied, “No, you don’t. You couldn’t handle it. It’s too shocking.”

This kind of awakening has to be gradual, a slow drip. And really, it’s not even us doing it—it’s the inner light shining on what we need to see in order to shift the narrative within us.

We become victims to our stories, we then try to rescue others from their stories in order for them to rescue us from ours. And this cycle breeds resentment, frustration and, ultimately rage that has no option but to act out in various strange ways, if not on others then for sure on our own sweet selves.

Sigh, but hey it’s the only game in town and we are all doing it because it’s what we’ve been conditioned to do. We are swimmin’ in the fish tank and don’t know we are in the water.

Unless…

We see it.

We wake up to it.

And start to pull out of it.

Oh boy.

My particular role in the trinity of human dynamics in my life has been the Rescuer. I mean, seriously I teach singing, I help people for a living, I’ve been mired and enmeshed in this identity for most of my life. The Rescuer, The Saviour, The Wounded Healer—call it what you will.

I was, just like the rest of us (in whatever part of the trinity you’re locked inside of), conditioned and trained to be this in order to survive and carry on like the normal folk are doing.

Like the rest of us (no matter which role we’re locked into), I was conditioned to play this part in order to survive and function in the world. And in many ways, it has served me—helping others, healing myself, making a living. But the deeper truth is, I had no real choice in it. And in recognizing that, I can hold compassion for the whole messy picture—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

But here’s the thing: Anything that is a substitute for the real thing—anything built on illusion—will eventually crumble under the light of awareness. Brick by brick, layer by layer, it all has to fall away.

Ouch. Yeah, not exactly living my best life in that process.

The underbelly of these seemly innocent identities - the Rescuer, Victim and Perpetrator is that they’re all mean sons of bitches underneath. They’re really, really, I mean really pissed off that they’re having to do this job and they’re not getting the recognition, money, fame, adoration that they are entitled to. I mean I work so hard and…nothing in return.

And just so we’re clear—if you identify as The Rescuer, you’re also The Victim and The Perpetrator. Same goes for the other two roles. They’re a package deal. I just wanted to clear that up.

It’s not always easy, and it’s certainly not comfortable, but it’s the only way to free ourselves. And when we do, something incredible happens: our voices open up. The tension, the hesitation, the blocks that once held us back begin to dissolve. We no longer sing from our wounds—we sing from a place of truth, flow, and authenticity.

And that? That’s the voice we’ve been searching for all along.

I could say more but I’m at risk of my Rescuer trying to save you.